Yesterday my period was due.. It kept me waiting all day, which was unusual as it is normally there when I wake up. But, lo and behold, just as we started to get our hopes up, I started bleeding.
Truth be told, I don’t know why I expected anything less. After almost three years and about sixteen cycles of trying to conceive with only one success, it shouldn’t be a surprise to me when my period shows up. Amy and I shouldn’t be upset or disheartened, because why should we actually expect anything else?
I’ve quit baby and bump. In the past I’ve found this forum wonderful for support and I’ve met some fantastic women on there, but truth be told the forum doesn’t help any more, the endless positivity is becoming irritating and seeing people get a positive test on first or second cycle trying is making me bitter. I need to step away from that world. It’s not their fault I can’t get pregnant. Same as it’s not their fault that we lost our baby.
I just don’t know what I did to end up this way. This sounds melodramatic, but fuck it, this is my blog so I’m going to share these feelings. I don’t understand why others catch straight away and have healthy, beautiful babies. I don’t understand why women who can’t afford babies are blessed with them. I can’t understand why teenagers who do not want a baby are blessed with them. I can’t understand why people who take hard drugs and abuse their bodies are often blessed with beautiful, healthy babies.
Yet, Amy and I and many of the couples I have met on this journey are ready. We are SO ready. It seems so unfair that we and these others aren’t being blessed like people who don’t even want a baby are. Irrational? Yes. Probably. That’s the nature of this journey.
I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Hurts like a bitch, but hey, as long as some people are getting what they want who cares about the rest of us, right?