Yesterday we got the news that no expectant couple wants to hear – still no heartbeat and no development.
I went to the Early Pregnancy Unit at one of the central London hospitals as we had been in Central London all day with a friend and her lovely little girl. I had been constantly spotting all day and by the time we dropped off our friend at St Pancras it was getting very slightly heavier and I was beginning to have cramps. Amy and I decided it was better to get checked out so headed to the hospital.
When we got there it was fairly busy so we got comfortable. I did the usual urine sample and then we waited and waited before being called in by a lovely Italian doctor. One of the things that made the situation easier was the professionalism of this doctor and how personal she was. She really took an interest in us and in Squishy and had a very thorough look during the ultrasound. Sadly, she told us there was no heartbeat. I should have been 7+4 but she said Squishy looked to be around 5-6 weeks at the very most. She told us “if you were just five weeks pregnant, your baby would be beautiful. But at over seven weeks it am worried about them”. She also told us Squishy had moved way down in my uterus – from what I could see on the scan it looked like the sac was just sitting above my cervix.
The dr called a consultant in for a second opinion as she has also spotted some dark patches in my uterus and wanted to get those checked out, but after a second scan we were reassured that this was just normal uterine tissue. I now wonder whether this was where the tissue was starting to come away.
The dr told us that we were likely losing this baby, but she wanted to check in two weeks anyway. Amy was upset and was given tissues and offered sweets, just what everyone needs in this situation. I just felt numb. In a way I had had a feeling as soon as we left our friend. The spotting was more than we had seen before and I just had a feeling that we needed to get checked out.
It’s a good job that we did, because last night I began bleeding very heavily with absolutely horrendous cramps. The pain was exactly what I would imagine labour to be like and was coming and going in great waves of agony. I was basically in the toilet from around 10pm last night until about 5am this morning, I’m so grateful to Amy, who sat with me through so many of those hours. Once I told her to get some sleep, I was speaking to a couple of online friends in Facebook messenger. It was horrendous, but not feeling alone was such a big help.
No one tells you how hard miscarriage is. No one tells you how much physical pain is involved. No one tells you that you will be physically sick from the pain and dizzy from losing blood. Maybe there’s a reason no one tells women these things, but I wish they would. I would have been so much better prepared for the agony of last night had I had some idea of what to expect other than “it will be like a period.” I’ve always had bad periods, but last night was ten times worse than any period I have ever had. I take my hat off to any woman who has gone through this.
The pain has been bad some of today, but I really feel like the worst is over. I’m so very glad that if it had to happen, it has at least happened quickly. I worried that my body wouldn’t miscarry naturally and I would have to have some medical intervention, which I really didn’t want. I’m thankful that the dr and the consultant at the hospital were so lovely and personal – this made hearing the worst so much easier to process.
We told our families last night as well, which was horrid. I know they share our pain and I hope there is a time when the joy continues for longer than five weeks. We also both posted messages on Facebook this morning dedicated to our special angel – I want people to know they existed. I don’t want them to be forgotten or thought of as “just a ball of cells” or similar. We had such an outpouring of love from friends and family that we are both so grateful for.
This was our first child. Although they never came into the world, although they probably never had a heartbeat and although they weren’t with us long, this was our first baby. That’s the way it will always be. We spoke to superhero donor and he is ready and willing to help us create a little brother or sister for Squishy as soon as we are ready. I think we will try again as soon as we can, but that may change.
So, sleep tight our little angel. Your mummies love you so much and we were so happy to have you in our lives for those five short weeks. Thank you for being our first little one and have fun with all the other little angels up there. RIP Squishy 1st June 2014 – 2nd July 2014